Taking Weekend Tennis Seriously

Something about me was cool. I can die happily now.

My weekend was made when a little girl told me I had cool shoes. Little girls have never told me I had cool shoes, especially when I was a little girl. Adulthood: still trying to impress little kids.

In the last post, we looked at ways you could try to garner more playing time even when you are not the best player on your team. Being involved with non-playing team activities/kissing up to your captain type stuff that you never see your team’s best player do.

Here are other ways you could try to be more top of mind when your captain sets down to lovingly handcraft the lineup at her desk in her lair with her scouting report of the week’s opponent typed up, her most recent satellite pictures of each opposing player printed, and the appropriate figurines pulled out from her collection of dolls that she had made of the whole league laid out in front of her.

Tell your captain you can only play on certain dates (let’s say half the dates. Spread them out. For better results, try one minus half the dates). Amazingly, you’ll play every single time you said you were available. That is, if she’s a kindhearted soul who wants to make sure everyone gets their fair share of playing time. If you say you can play every week, she’ll think she has so many opportunities to fit you in…just not this week because this week’s opponents are strong.

Psst, every week’s team is strong.

Volunteer to play singles if there’s a singles line. Just as nobody has plans to do porn, Tina, nobody wants to play singles. (Relax; it’s totally safe for work. Go to the 3:23 mark)

Write up your own scouting report of the opponents and compare notes with the captain. That is insane that you would do such a thing, and your captain will reward a fellow crazy.

Don’t be high-maintenance, at least not to your captain’s face. Good luck not being you.

Don’t have a losing record. And should you have a losing record, it would be in your best interest to save that first win till you’re playing one of the last couple of matches in the season. A 0-3 record makes you a more sympathetic figure than if you have a 1-2 record. With the former, your kindhearted captain will want to get you that one feel-good win. With the latter, you already got your one win. You don’t need to come into work anymore.

I could be wrong on that last particular point. Try it this season and let me know how it works out for you.

I’m not saying any of my suggestions are surefire ways to play more. They seem to work for other people, mind you, but they might not work for you, you poor, unfortunate soul. If none of the above works, try the suggestions below:

Join another team. Captains play newcomers as if they were being blackmailed.

Don’t play for a weekday league. Those ladies generally don’t have places to be or kids to look after in the mornings. That’s why they’re playing in the middle of a weekday. The weekend ladies think tennis is a fun thing to do every once in a while. Plus, everyone has places to be and kids to chauffeur on the weekends. That’s like the whole point of weekends (listen here; that is not the whole point of weekends).

Play on a lesser team. Winning is overrated. What matters is your playing time. And who you’re paired up with.

Captain your own team. You’ll be able to play every week! It’ll be awesome!! What could possibly go wrong?

As a last note: I would not ask your captain why you don’t get to play more. There’s a place for honest and open communication, but team tennis isn’t one of them. Plus, that is terrible wording on your part. You’re being accusatory. Don’t be accusatory. Phrase it like this: What can I do to play more? But, really, you should just save your breath. That question or any likeness of is a surefire way of never seeing playing time for the rest of the season. She’s already not playing you. You don’t think she knows she’s not playing you? You’ve just given her another reason not to play you. You are defeating the entire point of my efforts to help you. How rude.